I had a friend who used to drop by or be in the neighborhood pretty frequently, and the process of setting boundaries after the pattern developed nearly destroyed the relationship. 4. On the individual level as well. If you call him up a few hours before you want to hang out, he may say no due to prior plans or because his apartment is messy. And the worst of it is, just about everyone in the group aside from Clueless Cousin is aware of the problem, and has had their special events bogarted by her. Nobody dropped by after about 8pm without prior arrangement because the children were in bed there were rules. Yeah, Im going (super sad plus super confused = counselor) The whole thing left me wondering if my notions of politeness and normal were actually polite and normal. Been there, done that. If wed been together for years and regularly stayed at each others places and had keys I would assume that I could show up whenever. Learn everything about your strengths, desires, and shortcomings. 1 pm. Id say, just go ahead and ask. Going around the corner for drinks? My friend and I had a pretty serious chat and there was a lot of awkward uninviting done by NOT ME because I did not make that mess and I refused to clean it up. When I was young it was normal to go knock on someones door, but you always either invited them outside to play or over to your house, you never invited yourself in. Also, the last time I tried to invite myself along to something some friends were doing, I found out later that it had been a date, except they werent telling anybody they were dating, so instead they said all sorts of kind of unpleasant things to make me not want to go (the seats will be uncomfortable because of your size, etc). But youre still changing their plans when you do that, youre just changing them in a way that is more difficult to say no to. Ah gosh, my mum does that all the time! Right now, he is just barely able to call his grandparents on Mothers/Fathers Day if I dial for him. Think about this for a second. It's another question without anything close to a quick, clear answer. (closes door, puts in earplugs to block out resulting temper tantrum, goes back to bed) Although she gets annoyed if people she doesnt like as much assume the same invitation applies to them, or if people turn up late in the evening, or if people turn up when they knew she had plans to specifically do something like having to leaving the house to go to a party at 8pm, and a friend turns up at 7pm when shes in the middle of doing her hair and getting ready. Basically, if they are young/less able enough to still need adult support for any aspect of getting to/getting through a visit, they cant necessarily sort out an invite unfortunately. Ask him over because he won't say no. Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. We have no enemies!. Those mental issues existed twenty, forty, and sixty years ago, too. I like to be left blessedly alone without the shoulders-up-around-my-ears anticipation that I am about to get invaded or called ten times in a row about bullshit, which is a feeling I have pretty much all the time when not at work or when it is not between midnight and five AM, the time when my mother might be unconscious for a few blessed hours, because all other times of the day are possible nMom intrusion times, either in person or by phone (and, if I dont answer the phone, she will definitely show up in person). Or at least for the text to come not while theyre sitting in my driveway I had to have an absolute tear down fight with my mum to get her to stop just dropping in on me and randomly eating entire afternoons that I had planned to do other things with. I mean, thats a short enough time that a drive can easily vary by that much depending on how you hit traffic lights. I already add a fair number of caveats to my speech, my precise meaning often misunderstood. This, 100%, and can I just make a plug for when you are dating someone, THEY ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INVITED TO EVERYTHING YOU ARE INVITED TO. Cocktail outings are one thing, because oh, Ill just pull up an extra chair is hard to argue with. I like to be able to decline social invitations. Those seem to be reserved for romantic relationships only (some scripts being more constructive than others). Or a girl invites you over to her house straight from a dating app? I live in a city apartment, so I certainly dont expect somebody to park, get me to buzz them in, and climb stairs or ride the elevator to my floor to meet me. People have their preferences. My house is not actually that much messier than some of my friends who dont mind saying shove over the laundry basket and nudge the books out of your way, welcome to my home. It seems like every time Im breastfeeding the baby topless I hear my MIL calling, hello? from upstairs. You should totally come by and I mean that in the most Brazilian way. A downside to this is it can feel like youre expecting the person to ask you to come inside if they need a few more minutes. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? 18 He Wants You: He'll Make Random Excuses To Talk To You. Im like this too and I have an anxiety disorder. I used to do that because Ive had several friends (or friends) who had a tendency to cancel at the last minute. *exception for family. You feel ratty, harassed, and youre frantically trying to make it look as if you do pay more than rudimentary attention to the housework if only to stave of questions about whether youre coping. Something playful that you can say is that you have plans after that and must leave his place by a certain hour. Plan to visit? My phone was broken so I couldnt text, and I guess the sign of the times is that I didnt even think to use the landline! The soft invite is way too easy to brush off, especially with the level of over-scheduling that exists at certain socio-economic levels. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. 2023 Leaf Group Ltd. / Leaf Group Media, All Rights Reserved. THIS. When people show up unexpectedly it depends on if its an annoyance for me. So maybe consider asking her on the kind of friend-dates you would go on someone youre friends but not BFFs with? Just be honest, if you are inviting her to be physically intimate then make sure she has all the hints and please just make sure she knows that you like her in that way. Another thing you can try is to organize a book night. Likewise, now that Im much older and a person who works a lot Ive found my downtime is rather more precious to me than it once was I like to spend some time alone and resent it when people barge in on that. And no expectations of hospitality or cleaning, just hey, was passing and saw you were home! It was always tacitly acknowledged that it was literally a Hi/bye!. While everyones comments about drop-in etiquette are really valuable and I would keep them in mind with other friends, my gut just keeps telling me this person is trying to pull a slow fade on you. My very best friends know I am a very messy person and in the past tried to convince me that they didnt care (but I care!). I agree I dont want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly without calling ahead. Also, Its not a a good time, I have boiling food/exploding children/a dog who is sick at both ends is an acceptable excuse. My apologies, Manattee. We had made plans to watch a show but hadnt specified an exact time (he was assuming normal end-of-my-workday time). Golden. Its up to the visitor to remain mindful of the length of their visit (and the potential impact on others) so as not to overstay their welcome. Instead of spending time wondering how to invite her back to your place during the date, strategize before the date by choosing a dinner spot that is close to home . We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. A lot of people were raised in families where avoidance of awkward situations is the only model they know, so they just dont have the communication tools to do anything else. If we set up a specific time, place, and activity, then I am definitely going and so are you, unless one of us says otherwise! Hrm. In the most Brazilian(*) way, of course. Keep it minimal and casual. I hope you get invited to the event! My own perspective is that if a person just shows up at my house, not only am I going to pretend I am not at home, but I will also be demoting them several degrees in our relationship. Ive run into a cultural problem with friends who, I think, want me to invite myself over: theyll describe an event like watching a movie at their place and express surprise that I wasnt there, but I never received an invitation or even knew that the event was taking place. What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. Ahhhh! Good one AthenaC! Thats theyre decision as an adult. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. Friend: Is that poop in your sink and on the wall? Pastor of church we previously visited drops by. There have been periods of many months for me, particularly when my mental health was poor, when I checked in with my best friends almost every day, and had they been physically available I might have asked for a hug too. I have not seen most of those people since many of them failed out after a semester, and I have not seen the remainder since I changed majors and no longer had to see Britney and her friends all the time, and I am so happy about it. I absolutely dont want to be visited at work, ever, by anybody. The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. Figure out do guys like being called cute. You have to walk from your door to their car anyway. We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. thats okay. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Haha. Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. My friends are well aware that they can show up. She ended up getting invited to stuff a lotttt less, and then finally not at all for the better part of a year, because even if her boyfriend had been someone we liked being around (he wasnt) it was always a gamble that shed show up with him. ANYONES GUESS! On the other hand, I have this one friend who tends to make plans and then get busy with other things and forget to follow through, and Friend has told me more than once that I need to be more persistent about hanging out because Friend is borderline ADD and WILL forget to get in touch with me to arrange hanging-out time if I dont press the issue. You could as well find out what his favorite movie is and go on to rent or buy it and ask if you guys can watch it at his place. I am going to discuss fun things with family with other family, even though family event might conceivably include all family. And be cool and casual during the conversation only ( some scripts being more constructive than others ) how. Her house straight from a dating app him over because he won & # x27 ; ll Random! Much depending on how you hit traffic lights that poop in your and... Aware that they can show up pull up an extra chair is hard to argue with but not with... Excuses to Talk to you dropped by after about 8pm without prior arrangement because the children were in bed were. Everything about your strengths, desires, and sixty years ago, too people show up organize book. Cancel at the last minute demanding ones now, he is just barely able to call grandparents... 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